Second Wives

Second Wives

By Hoda Nassef


Having a second wife here in Egypt, does not mean that the grieving widow finally remarried, nor does it mean that the divorced man chose his proper mate and had a second chance; it means that he has two wives, both alive, and sometimes actually living under the same roof!

In the ‘Islamic World’, men can have more than one wife. A foreign friend recently told me, ‘Lucky Egyptian men…they can have TWO wives!’ I answered, ‘Not all, and not really lucky, but silly, as marrying second wives in Islam should be under strict Islamic rules.’

This is a repeated and gross misinterpretation of the facts in Islamic marriages, seen through the eyes of most foreigners, and most religions as well.

Strange as it may seem, the poorer and less educated men often have a wife or two, and maybe three! They marry more than once, although they are less able to afford even the ‘first’ wife, than the ‘upper class’ men, and can barely support her, let alone support himself plus a second wife. They would rather be a ‘polygamists’ - (in the eyes of the Europeans) – than commit the BIG immortal and immoral sin and be eternally cursed to damnation for fornication outside of wedlock!

On the other hand, many ‘educated’ men prefer to have secret illicit affairs, than get caught with their pants down by their wives! Having affairs here, as elsewhere abroad, is quite common – and kept ‘under cover’. He might brag about it to his close male friends, but acts pious in public and portrays the image of The Perfect Husband and citizen.

As for the majority of the ‘Second Wives’ who know in advance that their husbands are already married, many young ladies target men who are already well off, have good careers, and are financially stable if not actually rich, rather than wait years for young suitors or boyfriends to reach that status, and find it a sort of conquest to take another (and much older) woman’s husband.

The Second Wives usually calculate that they will have to put up with the hassles of the First Wife as well as problems from children of the first marriage, along with the husband’s wrinkles and perhaps impotency, as a price to pay for the ‘easy road’ to wealth and status, knowing that they will be properly pampered by the foolish husbands for marrying someone much younger than the First Wife; cunningly knowledgeable that the husbands’ psyche or egos are easily vulnerable and inflated for having such a catch at their Twilight Age. Consequently, neither of the newlyweds have any remorse for breaking up the first marriage, if it comes to that.

Having two wives is not outlawed in Islam, as in Christianity. However, there are new-founded laws to protect the first wife’s rights – the foremost is that she must be told in advance from her spouse that he is marrying another woman. She then has the option to either stay married, or ask for a divorce.

Usually she remains married, if he does not prefer to divorce her, simply because she has no other means of livelihood. Sometimes she is even relieved, being already frigid from long years of insignificant sex or none at all. As long as he kept the money rolling in, she didn’t mind!

But, laws are meant to be broken, and not obeyed, and usually the First Wife finds out about the Second wife, only at her husband’s funeral!

Paradoxically, is statistically known that women out-number men now worldwide, by almost four times. Is that perhaps one of the reasons Allah has allowed a Moslem man to marry more than one – up to and not exceeding four. It is seen as a sort of sanctuary for Single Women, if they chose to be a ‘dorra’ (second wife) - and a Safety Zone for lusty men not to stray.

There are various other reasons why a single woman may marry a man who is already married, and vice versa. As one strange example, I know a lady who married years ago, with the full knowledge that her man was already married. She also had a couple of bad marriages in her past, and he seemed a ‘good catch’ even then, for a divorced young woman. They stayed very happily married for several years, until he passed away. She was much younger than her husband, and has many more years ahead of her, but would not want to remarry because she would lose her pension from her deceased husband.

Both wives attended the funeral, but avoided each other like the plague. Later on…much later, I asked her, ‘Why did you REALLY marry him? You had a job, a child from the first marriage, a nice flat in the suburbs, plus a beach house.’ Her surprising answer was: ‘We played Bridge or Poker almost every night and had our own poker game ongoing for years, with the same group. Poker nights, with a couple of drinks, made life worth living. His wife hates cards.’ You could have knocked me with a feather! But I put on MY poker face, nodded quickly and politely agreed, while I hurried to the door after barely saying a brief goodbye!

As another example, in the eyes of an upper-class man who married a Second Wife, while dining at the Automobile’s Club downtown, I asked the distinguished middle-aged gentleman why he re-married - (after 25 years of happy matrimony!) - since his First Wife was such a wonderful woman, pretty, liked and respected by everybody, and raised their children to be happy and successful citizens, as well. His new wife was ‘a virgin’ when they married, according to him, and obscenely much younger than both of them – almost their own children’s age.

Without blinking, he drawled out, ‘You know, the same old story: stimulus. She made me feel young again.’

To each his own! She exploited him for his status and wealth, but he also exploited her youth and beauty.


H.N.

Spotting Your Soulmate

Your Soulmate

Compiled by Hoda Nassef

Ah, soul mates! You finish each other's sentences and feel like you've known each other forever. But hold on. It's only the second date. How can you be sure the person sitting across the table is your soul mate and not just a fantasy date? Here are some signs that the two of you have the right stuff:

1. You are intrigued.

"There was something about his smile..." or "I wanted to hug her when I saw her picture." If his Brad Pitt jaw or her bedroom eyes looked yummy in the ad but fell flat when you met for the first time, it's not looking good. But if you find your match appealing in the first 10 minutes on any level — looks, personality, demeanor — the flame typically only intensifies over time.

2. The info exchange is easy.

If he brings up stories about his past, whether good, bad or ugly, you know he's comfortable revealing more about himself. He wants to get to know you better. Your own stories start to roll off your tongue. So shoplifting and then lying about it to your mom in front of the security guard was stupid when you were 14, or it took you eight years to complete college. That's okay.

3. Faults come out in the open.

If you can reveal and even talk about your weaknesses, the relationship is deepening. If she's a klutz ("that bump came out of nowhere on the carpet") or can't keep from spilling or dropping things, and laughs about it, that's a good sign. More importantly, if you can admit your deeper faults ("I'm a workaholic") and get them out in the open, you both can be more accepting.

4. You're starting to feel very comfortable.

Can you just be yourself? Feeling at ease right away is a good sign and it only gets more comfy if your relationship smacks of a soul mate bond. Are moments of silence okay? You tell your loftiest dream or ambition. You share secrets.

5. You can be your weird self.

Singing off tune loudly in the car. Making a funny face. Calling yourself a rock star. Whether off the wall, quiet or fidgety, you find it easy to be your true self around your date. Couples in it for the long haul revel in the times when they can show their weird or goofy selves.

If your date doesn't seem to have the stuff of your ideal soul mate, then it's back to the drawing board to search for local singles!

H.N.

Domestic Violence in The Middle East

Domestic Violence in the Middle East


By Hoda Nassef


EGYPT

Domestic violence against women is a significant problem and is reflected in press accounts. According to a national study conducted in 1995 as part of a comprehensive demographic and health survey, one of every three women who have ever been married has been beaten at least once during marriage. Among those who have been beaten, less than half have ever sought help. Smaller, independent studies confirm that wife beating is common.

Several NGO's (Non-Governmental Organizations) offer counseling, legal aid, and other services to women who are victims of domestic violence. These activists believe that in general the police and the judiciary consider the "integrity of the family" more important than the well being of the woman.

Although reliable statistics regarding rape are not available, activists believe that it is not uncommon, despite strong social disapproval. When "honour killings" (a man murdering a female for her perceived lack of chastity) occur, perpetrators generally receive lighter punishments than those convicted in other cases of murder. There are no reliable statistics regarding the extent of honor killings.

‘Female Genital Mutilation’, is common despite the Government's commitment to eradicating the practice and NGO efforts to combat it. Traditional and family pressures remain strong; a study conducted during the year estimates the percentage of women who have ever been married who have undergone FGM at 97 percent. The survey showed that attitudes may be changing slowly; over a 5-year period, the incidence of FGM among the daughters (from ages 11 to 19) of women surveyed fell from 83 to 78 percent. FGM generally is performed on girls between the ages of 7 and 12, with equal prevalence among Muslims and Christians.

Domestic Violence is prevailent in many Middle-Eastern countries, USA and Europe, but for lack of space, I will only mention a few. However, there is no real statistic of the exact amount of this crime, as it is unfortunately considered by many countries secondary to other crimes, or even not taken seriously at all, in others. On the other hand, many victims of abuse do not make any official complaint, or are too ashamed to do so. Most victims fear more abuse from their tormentors and the perpetrators of abuse, if they try to escape or complain officially, whereas in some countries, it is not even taken seriously by the police.

SAUDI ARABIA

The Government does not keep statistics on spousal abuse or other forms of violence against women. However, based on the information available regarding violence against women, such abuse appears to be common problems. Hospital workers report that many women are admitted for treatment of injuries that apparently result from spousal violence. Some foreign women have suffered physical abuse from their Saudi husbands. A Saudi man may prevent his wife and any child or unmarried adult daughter from obtaining an exit visa to depart the country.

By religious law and social custom, women have the right to own property and are entitled to financial support from their husbands or male relatives. However, women have few political or social rights and are not treated as equal members of society. There are no active women's rights groups. Women legally may not drive motor vehicles and are restricted in their use of public facilities when men are present. Women must enter city buses by separate rear entrances and sit in specially designated sections. Women risk arrest by the Mutawwa'in (religious volunteer police) for riding in a vehicle driven by a male who is not an employee or a close male relative.

Women are not admitted to a hospital for medical treatment without the consent of a male relative. By law and custom, women may not undertake domestic or foreign travel alone.

While Shari'a provides women with a basis to own and dispose of property independently, women often are constrained from asserting such rights.

JORDAN

Violence against women is common. Reported incidents of violence against women do not reflect the full extent of the problem. Medical experts acknowledge that spousal abuse occurs frequently. However, cultural norms discourage victims from seeking medical or legal help thus making it difficult to assess the extent of such abuse. Abused women have the right to file a complaint in court against their spouses for physical abuse but in practice familial and societal pressures discourage them from seeking legal remedies. Marital rape is not illegal.

The Criminal Code allows leniency for a person found guilty of committing a so-called "honor crime," a violent assault with intent to commit murder against a female by a relative for her perceived immodest behavior or alleged sexual misconduct. Law enforcement treatment of men accused of "honor crimes" reflects widespread unwillingness to recognize the abuse involved or to take action against the problem.

In December police arrested a man for beating to death his 19-year-old sister in November for "reasons of honor." Police were investigating a second brother for his suspected involvement in the killing at year's end. Police exhumed the woman's body from a cemetery in which she was buried illegally. Medical tests proved that the victim had not engaged in sexual activity.

LEBANON

Violence against women is a problem. The press reports cases of rape with increasing frequency, and cases reported are thought to be only a fraction of the actual number. There are no authoritative statistics on the extent of spousal abuse. Most experts agree that the problem affects a significant portion of the female population. In general battered or abused women do not talk about their suffering for fear of bringing shame upon their own families or accusations of misbehavior upon themselves.

Some religious courts legally can compel a battered wife to return to the house in spite of physical abuse. Many women are compelled to remain in abusive marriages because of social and family pressures. Possible loss of custody of children and the absence of an independent source of income also prevent women from leaving their husbands. Doctors and social workers believe that most abused women do not seek medical help because of shame or inability to pay for treatment.

**Courtesy of Country Reports On Human Rights released by The Bureau Of Democracy, Human Rights And Labor U.S. Department of State.

H.N.

12 Tips to Success: The Power of Persuasion

12 Tips to Success: The Power of Persuasion

By Hoda Nassef

Conversation is sometimes only a means of communication. When we converse, we often have to use persuasion to convince others of our ideas. Those of us who use persuasion most effectively, attain the greatest results, and achieve power. My brother has this gift, and so does my sister! (Alas! Even though they are both a bit younger than I am!!!) I'm a bit too frank to 'act' out any maneuvres, and so half the time I can't really get what I want, if my life depends on it!!! (Ma'alesh, as they say in Arabic; I wouldn't want to change, anyway!)

Webster's Dictionary quotes that "to persuade" means "to induce one to believe or do something; to argue into an opinion or procedure".

However, it is better to urge than to argue. Persuasion is a great tool, but it's effectiveness is in the appeal and not in the threat. By threats, you may make someone do unwillingly what you want him to do, but by persuasion, you may make him do it of his own free will.

In an organization, with executives in your office, your relationship is simple; you do what you are told and don't argue. With your co-workers in the office - those who do about the same work as yours - your relationship is more complex. If you are not always tactful, then look out for signs of irritation, or if the other person is nervous or sensitive. You must not try to use force in putting over your idea; it will only make trouble all the way around.

On the other hand, if you are the manager with employees who work under your direction, your relationship is also complex. Without blustering or threatening - and also without relaxing your authority - you must get the work done, because it is your responsibility.

It is important in most organizations to be able to recognize authority and to know just who is supposed to give you orders or instructions. When you are a beginner, almost anyone and everyone may give you instructions or orders. The grace with which you accept instructions, correction, and even criticism, may be a determining factor in progress.

An employee who assumes a sullen attitude when he is told to do something, gets no satisfaction from his action, and he endangers his own position. But, one who is afraid to consult his own supervisor for advice when someone else gives him an assignment, will not only be imposed upon by everyone, but will also be unable to give his own boss adequate attention. The trick is to remain friendly with the entire staff, if possible, and still get your work done!

"What are you going to be when you grow up?"

How many times did you have to answer that question when you were a child? You may smile or laugh now at the answers you used to give: "A famous movie star; Miss Universe; a traffic Police Officer; a doctor; an astronaut; UFO; a toy-shop owner; the President; the wife of the President; a War Hero; a millionaire" - etc.!

As you grew older, your ideas changed, and you became wiser in your choice of a life vocation. Apart from the ridiculous, nothing is impossible, but you first have to have certain goals in your life, and learn to recognize your own undeveloped ingrown talents. From there, planning is your first objective to attain your future targets. But first, you have to persuade yourself that you can achieve these goals, if you really have the desire and the aptitude.

As you grew older, you (or your parents), began to discover your talents and to realize that your greatest happiness would result if they were put to some constructive use. You also began to understand the value of money. Like it or not, money plays an important part in the realization of your ambitions, therefore, you may hesitate to plan on something that is beyond your budget.
However, if your ambition is worthy, if it implies good citizenship, morals, and respect for the law, if it includes consideration of the rights and happiness of others, then you are justified in bending every effort you can to attain that ambition. Persuade yourself that you can obtain the necessary money; persuade yourself that you will get the required education in order to achieve your set goals.

Nurturing your talents requires the proper type and degree of education, for fulfilling that ambition. Don't let temporary problems obscure your view of the possibilities of the future. Planning for the future means more than planning ahead a year at a time.

Suppose you are already in your forties, and stuck in a job that gives you no satisfaction? With planning, and persuasion, you can change that job, and consequently change your whole life. It's never too late.

Our lives were meant to be full and abundant. Such lives call for courage and daring. Dare to be alive every minute of the day! Dare to follow your worthy impulses. Dare to tackle each new task with persuasion, energy and will.

"The great law of culture is: Let each become all that he was created capable of
being; expand, if possible, to his full growth,
resisting all impediments…and show himself at length in his own shape and
stature, be those what they may."
(Thomas Carlyle)

It is not always easy, but you must persuade yourself to be very honest in analyzing your personal characteristics. No matter how excellent your skills may be or how strong your "pull" is in obtaining your objective, you will not be able to hold on to it for long if you cannot get along well with the others in the same organization or office. Your ability to get along with others depends on your personal characteristics and your skill in adjusting your personality to the personalities of others with whom you are associated.

Basically, there are three main groups of behavioural patterns, or types: The Aggressive Person, The Submissive Person, and The Assertive Person. Ask yourself "What category am I in?" And, under which category do you think others see you? Check the three categories carefully, and give your honest opinion:

1. A Submissive person, usually reacts defensively; he fails to stand up for his rights or ends up by inducing others to disregard them. He expresses his feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in an apologetic, cautious, or self-effacing manner. Typical of submissive behaviour are long, justifying explanations, often putting himself down while attempting to accommodate the needs and views of others.

2. An Aggressive person, attacks; he stands up for his rights in such a way that he violates the rights of another person, or expresses his feelings in an inappropriate and unsuitable way. The aggressive behaviour is characterized by blaming other people or outside factors, or by showing contempt and being hostile, attacking or patronizing.

3. An Assertive person, uses persuasion; he stands up for his rights in a way that does not violate another person's rights. His attitude leads to an honest open and direct expression of his point of view which, at the same time, shows that he understands and respects the other person's opinion/position.

Apparently, "assertive behaviour" is the best pattern.

Start with self-analysis to discover which "pattern" you use, either consciously or subconsciously. If you seem to be making everyone irritated, or if you get the same unpleasant reactions to your actions and usually to the same type of situations, then try being objective about yourself. Ask yourself if you could be wrong. Could everyone be wrong, and only you are correct? Even if you assume that someone is "out to get your job", or that your colleague is jealous of your success, or that 'everyone has a complex', try putting yourself in their place for a moment. What if they are right? What if they are not envious of you? What if they don't have 'complexes'? What if they are not 'out to get your job'? Then, reason with yourself that not everyone can be wrong at the same time and during the same situation or for the same purpose. Why should everyone be biased against you?

Criticism can be either constructive, or destructive. Persuade yourself that you may have some unpleasant traits that could be amended. Take all criticism seriously, and consider them as 'constructive criticism' to profit from, even from the occasional envious colleague, the resentful jealous co-worker, or the over-ambitious associate. Learn from your 'critics', and then turn the criticism to your own advantage.

No one behaves assertively, aggressively or submissively all the time. People vary their behaviour between all three and are more likely to react aggressively or submissively (rather than assertively) in a conflict situation. In a conflict situation, your reaction usually has more to do with your own self-esteem.

Self-esteem is the evaluation we make and hold about ourselves. It is the high or low level at which we rate ourselves. It is our judgement of our worth as a person and is based on the extent to which we believe ourselves to be competent, likeable and successful. If our self-esteem is low, then we feel anxious when a conflict arises. We feel insecure and threatened by the situation and the people in it. It is a basic instinct when we feel threatened either to hit out (aggression) or to turn to the defensive (submission). However, with practice and self-control, we can learn to react more effectively, without losing ground and self-esteem, while at the same time without offending or harming others.

According to some famous American and Scandinavian Schools of Business and Hospitality Industries, there are 12 ways to achieve better rapport with your colleagues, superiors and associates:

ONE: Develop your own self-esteem and self-confidence.

TWO: Understand your own feelings, behaviour and reactions. Start by liking yourself, then try to improve and be more likeable.

THREE: Understand why people are what they are, and do what they do. Not everybody thinks the way you think. Your way may not always be the best way.

FOUR: Avoid quarrels and pointless discussions that achieve nothing.

FIVE: Resolve differences. Try expressing yourself better, and asking for a clearer explanation from the other person. Don't be afraid to ask.

SIX: Be friendly and give service, and not advice! The former won't detract from your prestige, and the latter won't diminish your image!

SEVEN: Be flexible and be prepared to change. Admit first that you want to change, and that you can change.

EIGHT: Record in your mind the good results you got out of the changes you made, and try to adjust your behaviour accordingly, on a more permanent basis.

NINE: Ask open questions, and to the point. Don't be evasive, and don't assume that everyone knows exactly what you mean, unless you learn to express your feelings and opinions better and more clearly.

TEN: Listen attentively to the others, and show understanding and concern for other people's opinions and feelings. You may 'hear' but never really listen!

ELEVEN: Leave open the chance of other courses of actions in order to avoid "saving face" (YOURS or THEIRS). In other words, don't be inflexible and stubborn!

TWELVE: Admit openly if you are mistaken. You are only human, after all, and will be respected more for admitting if you are wrong, instead of putting the blame others, or putting your head in the sand to avoid confrontation!

By programming yourself with persuasion, you can eventually reach the desired successful results in your dealings with all types of people and their various and variable behaviours. By persuasion, you can master the above 12 steps to successful interpersonal relationships.


H.N.

How to...Simplify Your Life!

How to... Simplify Your Life!

By Hoda Nassef

First of all, think about your values and write down those that really matter to you. What is most important? Spending time with family? Accumulating great wealth? Achieving powerful influence? Acquiring possessions? Expressing yourself? Learning new ideas? Experiencing adventure and travel? Maintaining excellent health? Socializing with friends? Contributing to the community? You can't do them all. Cut out activities that aren't consistent with your core values.

Write a list of goals you'd like to achieve. Focus on doing a few really well, rather than a lot in a mediocre way. You can't add hours to the day, but you can cut down on activities.

Say no instead of yes. People agree to requests from others because they like to please them. Instead, realize that you have a right to say no. Creating plans or policies makes saying no easier. ("I'm sorry, I already have a financial planner." "I'm sorry, we already have a plan for giving to charities.")

Stop being a slave to communication tools. Do you really need an office phone, a home phone, a cellular phone, pager, fax, e-mail and internet ICQ technology?

Give away clerical tasks to others who can handle non-priority activities.

Stop spending time to save money. Instead, spend money to save time. Don't drive across town to save a few cents on a grocery item. It's not worth your time. Do hire someone to do chores you're not fond of.

Cancel subscriptions to magazines you never get around to reading. Only read one newspaper per day.

Cut back on television time. Only watch those shows you decide on beforehand. Circle them in the television-listing magazine. Then turn off the television when the program is over. Cancel extra cable television packages for channels you rarely watch. Go for broke. Give up watching television altogether.

Clean out your basement or your office. If you're not using something, get rid of it. Put an expiry date on items when you can't decide to keep them or not. Get rid of them when the expiry date arrives.

Quit organizations that aren't contributing to your advancement, your network or your fun.

Automate repetitive, clerical, mechanical tasks. For instance, set up automatic bill payments.

Include your automatic savings plan as part of your monthly spending.

Make a plan for the weekend that doesn't involve work. Plan to spend more time with your family or with people who make positive contributions to your life. Stop spending time with people who are a drain on your energy or vitality.

Carry a smaller wallet or purse. Start by cleaning out the one you've got. Get rid of unnecessary credit cards and other clutter that you don't use regularly.

Stop checking up on your financial portfolio every day. Most people invest for the long term. Checking your results daily adds to stress and might lead to expensive and unnecessary changes.

Make time for yourself. Set aside time each day to reflect quietly, go for a walk, plan for your future or meditate. Visit the park instead of the mall.

Cut back on debt. Consolidate your different debts into one and pay it off. Put your credit cards in a spot where you won't be able to use them until you're debt-free. Track your expenses for a month, then cut back your spending on items you don't need. For instance, pack a lunch rather than buying one at work.

Mix and match your outfits rather than constantly buying new ones.

Consider renting a vacation home rather than buying. You won't be burdened by time (and money) spent in maintenance. Also, this allows you to visit a different spot each year.

Plan time for a vacation every year. Some people claim "I haven't had a vacation in three years" as if it was a badge of courage. It isn't.

Cut back on your children's planned activities. If they have to use a time planner to schedule their activities, and you spend all of your time taxiing them around, they're probably too busy.

Live closer to your work so you don't have to drive.

Take a moment each day to be grateful.


H.N.

HOTLINE for Domestic Violence

Please....a National HOTLINE for Domestic Violence!

By Hoda Nassef


Several years ago I came up with the idea of a national ‘hotline’ for the protection of abused children and women, which was published this newspaper. It was a plan where the media would announce the Hotline on local TV, and spread the news through schools, as well as through local newspapers, ministries, government offices, police stations and NGOs, in order to reach the battered or abused children and women. It is such a simple thing to do – as all the fast food delivery shops have them!

To Whom Violence Occurs:

Although domestic violence against men is not as prevalent, it is not an exclusive issue to women and children, especially in western societies. Men are often portrayed as strong and women as weak, which is why so many people have difficulty realising that men are also victims of domestic violence. Unfortunately, parent-abuse is another phenomenon, where elderly citizens suffer through drug-related cases by addicted grown children.

Domestic violence is a pattern of controlling behaviours aimed at gaining power in order to control an intimate partner. It is a pattern of assault and coercive behaviour, including psychological, sexual and physical abuse. Some abusers will blame the victim for the abuse or use jealousy as an excuse as to why the abuse happened. All these types of violence are ways the perpetrator controls the victims' body and mind.

Domestic violence is an especially sensitive issue because it is typically associated with conflict between husband and wife. Yet, as we have learned, domestic violence does not always involve confrontation between a husband and wife. Child abuse is an integral component of domestic violence: in 70% of families where wife abuse occurs there is also physical abuse of the children. Statistics claim that at least 30% of women in Egypt are the victims of domestic violence (wife beating, physical and emotional battering, etc.) Most probably the percentage is much higher, due to the fact that many women fear of divorce by the abuser, or are too ashamed to speak out and seek help. And in many cases, ignorant Moslems will claim that the Holy Qur’an sanctifies wife battering and therefore ‘justifies’ their abuse.

Where are the “children’s rights” and how can we avoid or prevent child abuse, and punish the perpetrators of inhumane domestic violence (including incest) as well as protect victims of abusive acts? All schools, the mass media, and NGOs should have an available ‘hotline’ for children living in such dangerous families. We don’t have any “safe houses” in Egypt to protect them, but we should have a means of communicating with these victims of violence. Most children are too scared to report home violence, or don’t know any better. Some even think that the way they live is in fact the normal way of life. The mass media (television) and the Ministry of Social Affairs should give more awareness to the public, and should find realistic means to help and protect the victims of domestic crime, and helpless abused children in particular.

"Violence against women" means any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or psychological harm to women, including threats of such acts and/or coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or private life. It encompasses physical, sexual and psychological violence occurring in the family, including battering, sexual abuse of female children in the household, marital rape, and other traditional practices harmful to women, as well as violence-related exploitation.

Violence against women is a significant problem and is reflected in some accounts in the press. According to a national study conducted in 1995 as part of a comprehensive demographic and health survey, one out of every three women who have ever been married has been beaten at least once during marriage. Among those who have been beaten, less than half have ever sought help. Smaller, independent studies confirm that wife beating is common.

Women’s abuse is the most widespread, yet the least recognised human rights abuse in the world. It denies women and girls equality, security, dignity, self-worth and their right to enjoy basic freedoms. It is also a serious health problem, draining women's energy, compromising their physical health and eroding their self-esteem. Reports of abuse from around the world confirm that domestic violence is a pandemic to which no one is immune. It is difficult to know the extent of this pandemic because of the hidden nature of domestic violence. Not only do families try to hide it because the abuser may threaten to punish or kill the abused victim if she tells, but women are often too ashamed to report such incidents. In many countries there are no legal or social sanctions against the abuse so there is nowhere for these women to turn to.

There is not one specific cause of violence. Absence of moral or spiritual teaching and exposure to media violence increase violence levels. We all experience trauma, stress, anger and fear, but an abusive man chooses to abuse, as a way of dealing with his pain or problems. He uses excuses to avoid taking responsibility for his behaviour. Frequently he tries to blame the woman for the abuse by saying that she is a bad wife, a bad mother, or both; that she provokes him or ‘asks for it’. He needs her to believe that she is bad and stay dependent on him.

Many men abuse women to control and dominate them because they believe their masculine identity depends on this image. In some cultures, as in Egypt, societies approve of the 'disciplining' of wives and usually ignore incidents of domestic violence. Even if the police are notified, they may feel reluctant to intervene in ‘domestic problems’, believing it to be an infringement on the privacy of the family, or ‘marital rights’. Our Egyptian community fears that if we admit that family violence occurs, we challenge the idea of what family means - mainly love, safety and security.

Poverty, illiteracy, and living in a small, crowded space, increases the risk of violence. Financial insecurity is another factor. If a man cannot establish his authority intellectually or economically, he will tend to do so physically or psychologically. For him, it is exerting control, not losing it.

The understanding that violence against women is a gender issue is gradually being accepted. Also, on a grander scale, those who lack power in society are the most likely victims of violence; they are vulnerable because they lack the alternatives to resist abuse, ways to escape from dangerous situations and means to secure protection from society.

Effects & Results:

Health may be impaired, through domestic violence, which includes anything from minor injuries to chronic problems. Children and young women are also greatly affected through both experiencing and witnessing abuse. Emotional violence is often worse than physical violence, because it leaves a deep-rooted scar in the soul. As one victim said: "The body mends soon enough; only the scars remain… But the wounds inflicted upon the soul take much longer to heal, and each time I re-live those moments, they start bleeding all over again. The broken spirit has taken the longest to mend; the damage to the personality is the most difficult to overcome".

Isn’t time now to take strict measures in order educate the impoverished majority of the population on domestic behaviour, and that child abuse is NOT their ‘parental rights’, and that wife battering will not continue to go legally unheeded? If the government cannot issue strict laws against such abuse, and protect the victims, nor spread domestic awareness, then at least the ‘abusers’ should think twice before enacting inhumanly towards their own flesh-and-blood; towards these victims.

Several NGO's abroad, and a couple newly founded NGOs locally, offer counselling, legal advice, and other services to women who are victims of domestic violence. These NGOs also prepare gender awareness programmes in the rural areas, for both males and females, in order to change their perspective of the traditional misguided concepts of their roles in society. But, they believe that in general the police and the judiciary consider the "integrity of the family" is more important than the well being of the women. So far, nothing has been published nor a hotline established. The hotline should be a 4-digit telephone number; easy to remember and fast to dial for the victims in distress.

After the questionable ‘tourbini’ crimes, and with probably more hidden and unpublished gruesome acts of domestic violence or murder, isn’t it about time now to implement a fast and practical way to reach and protect the victims? Announcing a national Hotline, as well as implementing strict laws against the perpetrators, is the first step.

I pray that the Ministries of Social Affairs, Interior, Telecommunications, and whatever it takes…will get together and come up ONE simple ‘hotline’ for all the cities of Egypt, before the end of this year. Is that so difficult to implement? If it was for a rich tycoon for his private enterprises - like for all the fast-food deliveries, it would have been implemented in two seconds!


H.N.

Rapport & Pacing

Rapport & Pacing -
The Basis for Harmony in Human Relationships


By Hoda Nassef


Everyone can recognise two lovers sitting close together in a restaurant, and notice how they look deep into each other’s eyes, their heads at the same angle. When one lifts a glass, the other does as well, with the same sort of movement. They are mirroring each other, and not only with their body language. They speak in the same manner, in the same soft tone, at the same speed, using the same sort of phrases and words. They even breathe in the same rhythm. They are pacing each other. They are in a so-called rapport situation.

Rapport:

Rapport exists when two people develop a mutual feeling of harmony, well-being and security. There is an interesting comparison with musical resonance. If you strike a note on a tuning fork and hold it near to another tuning fork, the second one will also start to vibrate, even though they do not touch. This rapport (resonance) occurs between people when they work and live in an open, trusting, contented relationship.

Rapport is also about meeting people on their own level and making them feel at home.

Rapport is based on agreement and mutual respect. A rapport situation exists when you are able to demonstrate your own one-ness with another person in what you say and in your body language.

When you relate to other people, you can choose one of two standpoints from which to start:

1. You can decide to concentrate on the differences between you.
2. You can emphasize the similarities between you, i.e. the things you agree on, feel and think the same about and react the same way to.

It is obvious that if you emphasize differences it will be virtually impossible to achieve a rapport situation. Concentration of similarities will help to overcome resistance, antagonism, distrust, doubt, fear, anger etc. People do have a lot in common, and with practice it is possible to find a way of seeking it out. The sympathy and understanding that comes from rapport helps people to take criticism, accept change, and put more effort into a situation.

Rapport is the finest situation that two people can have together, which is why the concept is so central to the service situation (such as in F & B or Housekeeping, Front Desk; i.e. Reception, etc. in the hotelier business).

People in a rapport situation, unconsciously pace each other.

Pacing:

Pacing is the best tool for achieving rapport.

Pacing is, literally, holding a mirror up to another person so that they see in your actions and statements a duplicate of their own, i.e. they see what their knowledge and experience tells them is right, real and genuine.

Pacing is, therefore, a question of entering another person’s model of the world; meeting them on their own ground by mirroring their body language, voice, vocabulary and mood in such a way that they feel comfortably in unison with you.

Pacing, of course, means showing the other person those aspects of you that are most similar to his/hers.

We all have a tendency to like people who are similar to ourselves, anyway, and so want to agree with them. We communicate best with people who feel as we do, who see the world in the same way and who have the same likes, dislikes and beliefs. We choose our friends from amongst those who make us feel at ease with ourselves.

Pacing occurs quite unconsciously with friends and when there is sympathy between people, i.e. rapport. Pacing can be used consciously as a technique to achieve rapport where it does not easily, or naturally exist, e.g. when people do not know each other, are hesitant, reticent, nervous, frightened, frustrated, defensive or aggressive.

The highest aim in any communication is to achieve rapport and the best tool for this purpose is pacing.

If you master a pacing technique, you can create winner situations and take control of any communication or service situation.

You can pace other people in different ways, for instance:

1. Body language
Sitting position, movement and position of the legs, arm movements, overall posture, angle of the head, walk, dress, facial expression, breathing, and touch.

2. Speech
Pitch, speed, tone, volume, choice of words, jargon, foreign words, slang, and professional terms.

3. Feelings/Moods
Attitude, conviction, belief, enthusiasm, tolerance, involvement, respect for the other person’s skill, qualities and experience.

Avoid service conflicts through pacing:-

As a service-giver, you can use pacing to let the customer know that you are giving your full attention, are interested and like them. For example, you probably know what it’s like to catch the attention of somebody, perhaps a waiter or receptionist, who uses an air of professional ‘busy-ness’ in order to ignore you. This is a case of extreme ‘dispacing’ and can cause great dissatisfaction. A small turn of the body, direct eye contact, friendly nod and body language generally says, “I’ve seen you. Just give me a moment and I’ll be there,” is all that is needed to create a completely different impression and atmosphere.

By adjusting the pitch and speed of your speech to match someone else’s, you can achieve an improved level of rapport. Conflicts quickly arise between two people who are speaking at different rates. The person who is talking quickly gets irritated at the slowness of the other’s speech and speeds up. This leads to uncertainty and frustration and the other person slows down even further.

Service-givers sometimes make this mistake when handling complaints, when passing on messages to customers, or when using terminology familiar to them, but strange to the general public.

People who are experts in a field sometimes unconsciously make others feel small and ignorant, if they talk and act too quickly, particularly if they also use a lot of technical terms. An example of this are doctors who brush aside questions, do not look at their patients, and altogether pay too little attention. This behaviour probably reflects thoughts on the lines of, “I’m much too busy”.

Results of pacing:-

Members of a working team can be encouraged by pacing to increase their level of performance and their wish to produce new ideas.

Example 1:

A manager is sitting, writing a report. A keen member of staff knocks on the door, enters the office saying, “Have you a minute? I have an idea for a new product. I think you’ll like it.”

The manager says nothing, stays seated, does not look up, carries on writing and then, after a long silence, sighs and still looking at the page, replies, “I’m in the middle of a report just now. Later, perhaps?”

This sort of ‘displacing’ occurs every day all over the world and has a highly detrimental effect on the co-operative mood and efficiency.

A significant improvement might have been made if the manager had stood up when the member of staff entered the office, greeted him/her, listened attentively, and replied, “Sounds great! Tell you what, if I could have half an hour to finish this report then I can meet you in the conference room and look at it in detail. Why not organise some coffee for both of us in there in 35 minutes?”

You can improve relations with your children if you pace them when they want to talk to you, too.

Example 2:

A son says, as soon as his parents arrive home from work, “Dad, you promised to play a game this evening.” Father answers with a note of irritation in his voice, without bending down or looking at his son, and with his shoulder half turned away from him, “Okay, if I promised. Go and set the board up.” (His body language is saying, ‘The sooner we get started, the sooner we will be finished’.)

You tend not to get this sort of reaction so often with grandparents. If grandfather had given the same promise and had been asked the same question, he might have created rapport.

He would probably have bent down to his grandson’s level, and have looked at the boy with an expression that showed he was glad to be challenged to a game, and answered, “Come on, fetch the board and we’ll see whose side luck is on today!” His body language shows thoughts such as, “Thank goodness I can find time for my grandson, even though I never gave my children enough attention”.

To wrap it up, basically RAPPORT (pronounced ‘ra-por’) is that elusive ‘je ne sais pas quoi’ that makes you click with the person in front of you, or makes you avoid him/her, if the good vibes don’t exist, whereas the PACING part is how you inter-react and deal with the other person, if you have to. It deals with body-language, which is also good to acquire knowledge of, for your personal relationships as well as business life.



H.N.

Anger Management

Control Anger - Before It Controls You!


By Hoda Nassef

We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as a full-fledged rage. Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems: problems at work, in your personal relationships and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This article is meant to help you to understand and get a hold on handling anger.

What is Anger?

Anger is 'an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage,' according to Charles Spielberger, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as does the level of your energy hormones, adrenalin and noradrenalin. Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (such as a co-worker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.

Expressing Anger

The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviours, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival. On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms and common sense, place limits on how far our anger can take us.

Anger Management

The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.

People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive - not aggressive - manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others. As Dr. Spielberger notes, 'when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone - or something - is going to get hurt.'

Are You Too Angry?

There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.

Why Are Some People Angrier Than Others?

According to Jerry Deffenbacher, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people are really more 'hotheaded' than others; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person.

On the other hand, there are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways, but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk or get physically ill. People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience or annoyance.

They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake. Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic and not skilled at emotional communications.

What Strategies Can You Use to Keep Anger at Bay?

Relaxation:

Simple relaxation tools such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery can help calm down angry feelings. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques through various books on this subject.

Some simple steps you can try:

Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your 'gut.'

Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as 'relax', 'take it easy'. Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.

Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
Non-strenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.

Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation. Cognitive Restructuring:Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear or speak in highly colourful terns that reflect their inner thoughts.

When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, 'oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined,' tell yourself, 'it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.'

Avoid using words like ‘always’, ‘never’ and ‘ever’, when you are angry. For example: 'You're always late! You're the most irresponsible, inconsiderate person I have ever met!' The only goal that accomplishes is hurting and angering your friend. State what the problem is and try to find a solution that works for both of you, or take matters into your won hands by, for example, setting your meeting time a half-hour earlier so that your friend will, in fact, get there on time, even if you have to trick him or her into doing it!

Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is 'not out to get you,' but rather that you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective.

Problem-Solving

Sometimes our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.

Make a Plan

Make a plan and check your progress along the way. (People who have trouble with planning might find a good guide to ‘organizational skills’, or ‘time management’ helpful.) Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away.

If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away. It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message is that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger - or a partner's - discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.

Change Your Environment

Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the trap you seem to have fallen into, and all the people and things that form that trap. Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some 'personal time' scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, the first fifteen minutes are a brief quiet time alone. This enables her to feel better and be better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.

Some other tips for easing up on yourself:

Timing: if you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night - perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just a habit - try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.

Avoidance: if your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't tell yourself, 'Well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!' That's not the point. The point is to keep calm.

Finding alternatives: if your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project - learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.

Do You Need Counseling?

If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better.

A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behaviour. When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger management. With counseling, psychologists say that a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on circumstances and the techniques used.

What About Assertiveness Training?

It's true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn't something most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.

Remember, you can't eliminate anger - and it wouldn't be a good idea even if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will always happen that will cause you anger. Life will always be filled with frustration, pain, loss and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that, but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even unhappier in the long run.

H.N.

Non-Governmental Organizations

NGOs

By Hoda Nassef

On 7 May 2006, in the Gomhuriya Egyptian daily newspaper, the editor-in-chief ridiculed the NGOs in Egypt, claiming that NGOs were comprised of ‘hanems’ (female socialites) who get together to gossip and chat about fashion and diets! Maybe he did not realize that men are also members of NGOs! He also speculated and asked, “Where do they get their money to finance their NGOS?” Nobody asked him where he got his money to finance his newly furnished office into a palace, despite the well-known pending debt of over L.E. 500 million, nor why did he move from his old house to an elite district in Cairo, let alone how he suddenly got the money to do so! He should be aware also that the First Lady is on top of the echelon of NGOs, and should reflect and think, before he writes!

About three years ago, there had been attempted clampdowns on NGOs in Egypt, although the Non-Governmental Organizations have existed discreetly in Egypt for nearly half a century! Furthermore, NGOs have been a basic source of help to the welfare of Egyptians, mainly giving sustenance to the impoverished majority, in health, education, environment, preservation of ‘protected parks’, and numerous various fields, as well as thousands of jobs within these organizations, without adding a dent to the country’s economy in any way. For his information, these NGOs are financed by individuals, or well established ‘groups”. Funds are donated, not only from the USA, but also from Europe, Asia, Arab countries, and wealthy Egyptians. The volunteer workers are from all religious affiliations. Law # 153 /1999 has been finally approved of, which will ease the restrictions attempted, as well as safeguard the NGOs’ rights, within an acceptable democratic and legal broad guideline. (Details could be obtained from the Ministry of Social Affairs.)

WHAT DOES ‘NGO’ MEAN?

The term non-governmental organization or NGO was not in general currency before the UN was formed. When 132 international NGOs decided to co-operate with each other in 1910, they did so under the label: The Union of International Associations. The League of Nations officially referred to its "liaison with private organizations", while many of these bodies at that time called themselves international institutes, international unions or simply international organizations. The first draft of the UN Charter did not make any mention of maintaining co-operation with private bodies. A variety of groups, mainly but not solely from the USA, rectified this at the San Francisco conference, which established the UN in 1945. Not only did they succeed in introducing a provision for strengthening and formalizing the relations with private organizations previously maintained by the League, they also greatly enhanced the UN's role in economic and social issues and upgraded the status of the Economic and Social Council (ECOSOC) to a principal active part of the UN.

Many diverse types of bodies are now described as being NGOs. Nevertheless, there are some fundamental features. Clearly an NGO must be independent from the direct control of any government. In addition, there are three other generally accepted characteristics that exclude particular types of bodies from consideration:

1) An NGO will not be a member of a political party;
2) It will be non-profit-making;
3) It will not be a criminal group, in particular it will be non-violent.

However, many NGOs generate income from commercial activities, notably consultancy contracts or sales of publications, while a small number of NGOs may be associated with political protests. Thus, an NGO is defined as an independent voluntary association of people acting together on a continuous basis, for some common cause to benefit their society, rather than achieving government office, making money or participating in illegal activities.

HOW DID IT START?

The term, "non-governmental organization" or NGO, came into currency in 1945 because of the need for the UN to differentiate in its Charter between participation rights for inter-governmental specialized agencies and those for international private organizations. At the UN, virtually all types of private bodies can be recognized as NGOs, by being non-profit-making, independent from government control, not seeking to challenge their governments, and abide by the country’s law.

UNDER GOVERNMENT CONTROL?

NGOs often find it very difficult to act independently and they may not receive acknowledgment from their governments, even when they are acting independently. Beyond this unusual situation, there is a widespread prejudice that government funding leads to government control. In the field of ‘human rights’, it would damage an NGO for such a perception to arise. For example, ‘Amnesty International’ has strict rules that it will not accept direct government funding for normal activities. On the other hand, NGOs need substantial resources, to run their operational programs in development and humanitarian relief, so most of them readily accept official funds. While these NGOs would like the security of a guaranteed budget for their administrative overheads, governments generally only want to support field costs for projects.

VOLUNTEERS, OR BUSINESSMEN?

· The United Nations Volunteers Programme (UNV)

The United Nations Volunteers programme (UNV) is the UN organization that supports human development globally by promoting volunteerism and by mobilizing volunteers. It is administered by UNDP and operates amidst growing recognition that volunteerism makes important contributions, economically and socially, into more cohesive societies by building trust and reciprocity among citizens. In 2001 some 5,000 UN Volunteers from more than 150 different nationalities (three-quarters from developing countries) actively supported the programmes of the United Nations itself and almost all UN funds, programs and specialized agencies in 140 countries worldwide. (UNV Annual Report 2001)

· Private Voluntary Organizations (PVO)

USAID recognizes the increasingly important role of PVOs and NGOs in Egypt's development. There is an estimated 14,000 such organizations registered to work in different sectors of development. However, only around 3,000 are actively playing a role in developing and representing their communities. Most Egyptian PVOs / NGOs are not meeting the needs of their communities due to lack of resources. Some are playing a limited role as providers of social welfare services, which are heavily subsidized. Overall, few PVOs / NGOs in Egypt are effectively engaged in making contributions to Egypt's development, and USAID-sponsored grants have directly or indirectly benefited approximately over 500,000, and it has enhanced the livelihood of women and poor families through support for cottage industries, pollution prevention, solid waste management, and micro-credit programs for rural women, and women's health initiatives.

· The National Council of Negro Women (NCNW)

NCNW has assisted 49 Egyptian PVOs with training and technical assistance. Fifty-six grants totaling $14.5 million have been awarded to 19 Egyptian PVOs and 14 U.S. PVOs. Some examples are: CARITAS - (strengthening the role of women and community associates in developing new rural communities while focusing on the protection and preservation of the environment); The Near East Foundation - (enhancing livelihood through community development initiatives in low-income Cairo neighbourhoods) - The Egyptian General Junior Medical Doctors Association - (working in clinical waste management to prevent threat to public health) and, Save the Children Federation - (strengthening Egyptian NGO institutions for local development in Upper Egypt. Also providing scholarships to girls in rural areas to primary school).

NOT ONLY AMERICA!

· Danish Cooperation with NGOs

Danish assistance to NGOs in Egypt has developed steadily over the last few years. The strategy is to provide assistance to NGOs in Danish priority areas not supported through bilateral cooperation with the Government. These areas are ‘human rights’; women in development countries; community development and directly empowering the poor. Almost all NGO projects are funded through the Embassy's local grant authority. At the moment 13 -14 NGOs, of which 10 are Egyptian, are supported. Joint Danish-Dutch-Swedish assistance to a project in support of women NGOs preparing for the 1995 Women's Conference in Beijing reached a wide range of Egyptian NGOs working with WID and gender issues.

FUND RAISING

After registration, fund-raising is perhaps the most burning issue for NGOs throughout the world. A strong, independent, and vibrant civic sector will not emerge in the long run if NGOs continue to rely upon foreign funding or their own governments. One extremely important source of funding for NGOs in many countries is profits from economic activities. What is needed in addition, however, community-based funding.

Another way in which businesses and NGOs can cooperate is through "sponsorship." If a business is supporting an NGO (e.g., a soccer team) basically to obtain recognition in the community (e.g., "The African Football Cup"), it is appropriate to categorize the activity as advertising rather than a contribution to charity. In Egypt, an NGO cannot solicit contributions without a license, but an NGO can only receive two licenses per year, and each expires after three months. Accordingly, an NGO can only raise funds 6 months out of the year. There must be a balance, of course, between the need to protect the public and the creation of needless or expensive licensing or other bureaucratic burdens. For example, an NGO in South Africa must not only have a license to solicit contributions, it must also publish a plan of solicitation in a national newspaper, which is quite expensive. (From: International Center for Not-For-Profit Law – 2000)

ISLAMIC NGOs

· The Muslim Council of Britain

“The 2015 target to halve the proportion of people living in extreme poverty is ambitious. But for a fifth of the world's population who live on the margins of existence, our ambition is their basic human right. This not just an ambition, it is our collective duty. For Muslims, combating world poverty acquires an added religious and often personal dimension.” (From: Yousuf Bhailok. DFID; London)

CHRISTIAN NGOs

The resurfacing of a significant "third sector" between the government bureaucracy and private companies represents some redistribution of wealth, investment and services. Along with other elements of civil society that operate through the press, educational institutions, legal practice, or religious institutions, NGOs have helped call attention to important issues such as human rights abuses, family violence, environmental issues, etc. (From: Making Sense of NGOs; Sheila Carapico)

NGOs & DEVELOPMENT IN THE ARAB WORLD

NGOs are often important partners with governments in the provision of needed goods and services. In rich and poor countries around the world, NGOs often work in close partnership with local and national governments. For many NGOs this means that governments are the most important source of support and funding. But it is a truly two-way street. NGOs provide indispensable information to governments and are often the most fruitful source of innovative suggestions for improving social programs.

CONCLUSION

It should also be noted that relations between governments and NGOs are often adversarial or competitive. Some NGOs tend to point out the shortcomings of governments and to advocate for changes in policy. Many governments dislike such criticisms and find various ways, including repressive laws, to silence NGOs or shut them down. Such tactics are shortsighted. It is in the long term interest of governments everywhere to support their local NGOs and work together, without one controlling the other, as long as the government believes that its goal is to more fully and adequately meet the real needs of the people rather than merely to perpetuate its power.

Finally, ‘charity begins at home’ as they say, or should begin at home, so please enough of the 5-star beach resort conferences, and let’s get into concrete and realistic action to help the citizens.

H.N.

Sexual Harassment at Work

Sexual Harassment at Work;
Women’s Rights… or Wrongs?!

By Hoda Nassef


Where are our so-called Women’s Rights in Egypt?

Sexual Harassment on the Workforce is the Rule in Egypt, and other Middle-Eastern countries, and not the exception. It is one big criminal action that we ignore, or dismiss as trivial! We brag about “women’s rights”, just to imitate the western countries, pretending that we are as civilized as they are, with real punitive laws! For women’s real protection? Let’s face facts… and tell it how it is.

How many SILENT women were and will always be especially harassed or abused at the workforce? What did they do about it? Did they protest? Object? Complain? Or just give in, to get that ‘job’? Does the law actually implement protection for women against sexual harassment? If there is no REAL law, then the harassers will continue making life hell for girls and women, thinking it is their holy right to bother women, and we can just like it, or lump it.

Well, it all depends actually on the fair-sex’s personalities, their upbringing, and how desperate they really are for getting the job that they applied for, and are qualified for. Maybe they need the money more than upholding their principles and religious views. Or, let’s admit it… maybe they don’t mind being harassed. You have all types of women, after all, just as you find all types of men…and by this I mean the male employers. Also, there are women harassers as well, but my concern is mentioning only the majority of sex-harassers: men.

Most employers use their positions or their offices to induce or coerce women to accept their unwanted advances; the uglier they are, the more they act the part of Don Juan, because they actually cannot attract any female outside of the office. As for the women who already have a job with the harasser; the higher their pays are, the more they are likely to accept the bosses’ advances, in order to keep their jobs. The unwritten rule is “use it, or lose it”!

And how many times have women tried to apply for jobs, and during the interview or first meeting with their potential male managers or employers, they would be duped into thinking that, ‘oh there’s a decent guy at last…he’s not staring at my legs or other parts of my anatomy’ – only to discover later that they are ‘seasoned’ harassers, and know when to play it down or act cool at first, in order not to scare away the ‘victim’. Yes, victim. She is eventually the victim of his advances, and if she doesn’t like it, then she can quit. He makes that very clear too, eventually, especially after he realizes that he’s not getting to First Base with her, and never will. And so, she usually does quit, instead of telling him to jump in the Nile River, or quit himself!

So, back to job hunting, and new CVs. But, how many times did women have to delete all their previous ‘job experience’? Personally, when I used to job-hunt, I had no way of explaining to my interviewers that I left so many jobs, because my bosses were literally almost chasing me around the desk…his desk or mine, doesn’t matter. Who would believe me? (It would often be in subtle ways, such as ‘accidentally’ brushing against her, while passing by…or on purpose, such as saying lewd words or so-called ‘compliments’.) So, I would often delete some jobs that I quit, thus, leave big gaps in my ‘career’.

The next questions, if the interviewers were observant enough, would be why I wasn’t working during so-and-so period, and what did I do between jobs. Getting pissed off by the inquisition, I would there and then decide that I didn’t want the job anyway, so my retort would often be flippant, such as, ‘I’m filthy-rich, and don’t really need the job,’ or, ‘I’m saving up for a world cruise, and you’re my last stop…for next month,’ … or anything dumb like that, just to get back at the idiots. Once or twice, however, I would admit that I was being harassed by the previous manager(s), and had no choice but to leave. Whether they believed me or not wasn’t the issue, but I avoided lying, whenever I could.

I will give you some hints on the types of harassers, and they come in all shapes, sizes, forms, age, and background. Following is my personal portfolio of all the freaks I’ve met…and each category of Freak consists of 5 to ten of them! I lost count….

Now, meet GM Harasser Number One: He’s ugly, so has an inferiority complex, and wants to prove to himself that he isn’t ugly.

GM Harasser Number Two: He’s an opportunist, and from a low background, and wants to get into the circle of this females’ friends and acquaintances; being attractive to boot is all the better for him, so why not give it a try?

GM Harasser Number Three: He’s a natural womanizer, and conceited, thinking that because he is attracted to the interviewee (you) at first sight, you reciprocate the same attraction!

GM Harasser Number Four: He’s married, but bored with his wife, and wants to renew his libido, stamina, or whatever he thinks is lacking!

GM Harasser Number Five: He’s married, relatively satisfied with his boring wife, but he’s getting on in age – or is middle-aged – or is actually old, and wants to prove that he isn’t; so, the younger she is, the better it is for his ego…libido, whatever!

GM Harasser Number Six: He’s actually drop-dead attracted to you, but you aren’t, and he will employ you, woo you, do anything for you, just to get you in bed, then drop you! (No, I was never that dumb, nor that immoral! So, gals, hang in there, and don’t go on ego-trips yourselves! Don’t believe everything you hear from these horny bastards. These types just go raving mad if you so much as dare to reject them, let alone politely turn them down. Then they turn downright vindictive, so…beware…let them down, nicely, if you can.) For him, it’s a Package Deal on First Sight; the Job AND Him, or you go the highway… and he goes the low way! (I heard that rhyme from one big ass harasser, by the way! He’ll know whom I’m talking about, if he reads this!)

GM Harasser Number Seven: He’s not so hot physically, and deep inside knows it; the less of a man he is, the more he tries to prove that he’s Tarzan…with you as Jane. He’ll stop at nothing to get you, and beware of this type too; he’ll defame your name (behind your back) and tell all his buddies and cronies that you were a one-night stand, or some such scenario. Anything in that line, just to secretly get back at you, and your rejection.

GM Harasser Number Eight: He’s a cool customer and you actually have no clue yet that he has an eye on you. You are employed by this type, and then start working in a relatively relaxed atmosphere, not aware that he is all the time calculating and laying out his strategy to lure you into his trap. Then one day he may casually invite you for lunch or a meal outside, making you believe that the whole company or department would be there. That happened recently to me; my boss invited me for Iftar, after making it known that the company always has one such occasion for the whole staff. Being new on the force, and unaware of the manoeuvre, I innocently asked him, ‘Who’s coming from the Department?’ His answer was a nonchalant, ‘It will be very limited.’ And then he gave me the name of the restaurant to join the staff at the appropriate time. The ‘limited’ staff was himself, alone! So, I was forced on a private date…after the meal, I knew it would be the beginning of the end of my short career with them!

Officially Defining Sexual Harassment:

Sexual harassment is a form of sex discrimination that violates part of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. Sexual harassment at work threatens your self-esteem and confidence; it stops you from working effectively, undermines your dignity, and can affect your health and happiness. Sexual harassment is unwelcome behaviour of a sexual nature, and even just one isolated act is enough to amount to it. It could take the form of sexual innuendo or lewd comments about your appearance or sex life, whether these are written or spoken. It could be a physical act, for example, deliberately brushing up against you or trying to caress you. Or, it could be more general, where, for example, the environment of the workplace creates a hostile or humiliating atmosphere for you. This could be the result of sexually explicit material displayed in the workplace, the downloading of internet porn by other employees, or other behaviour that creates an uncomfortable environment. Nobody should be subjected to it. The unfortunate reality is that it is happens all too often.

Unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature constitutes sexual harassment when submission to or rejection of this conduct explicitly or implicitly affects an individual's employment, unreasonably interferes with an individual's work performance or creates an intimidating, hostile or offensive work environment.
If you are unhappy with the way your employer has dealt with your grievance, or if your harasser is your employer, then you should take legal action. You can bring a sexual harassment claim regardless of how long you have worked for your employer, or how many hours you work. This option is available to you whether you are a man or a woman, and whatever age or sexual orientation you are. If you have previously had a relationship with the harasser then you can still bring a claim. You can bring a claim even if the harassment happened at your job interview.

The employer cannot argue that he or she did not intend to harass. If the behaviour undermined your dignity on the basis of your gender then it is discriminatory by law.

Sexual harassment can occur in a variety of circumstances, including but not limited to the following:

• The victim as well as the harasser may be a woman or a man. The victim does not have to be of the opposite sex.
• The harasser can be the victim's supervisor, an agent of the employer, a supervisor in another area, a co-worker, or a non-employee.
• The victim does not have to be the person harassed but could be anyone affected by the offensive conduct.
• Unlawful sexual harassment may occur without economic injury to or discharge of the victim.
• The harasser's conduct must be unwelcome.

International Laws not Adapted or Applied in Egypt:

Luckily for the American women, a variety of laws exist to protect them. When will these laws be adapted in Egypt? In the USA, for example, your employer has a duty to provide a safe system of work, safe equipment and competent employees. Consequently, he or she has a responsibility to protect you from harassment. They are also protected by the Sex Discrimination Act, which guards you against less favourable treatment because of your sex. Similar laws apply in Scotland as in England and Wales.

It is helpful for the victim to directly inform the harasser that the conduct is unwelcome and must stop. The victim should use any employer complaint mechanism or grievance system available.

When investigating allegations of sexual harassment, EEOC looks at the whole record: the circumstances, such as the nature of the sexual advances, and the context in which the alleged incidents occurred. A determination on the allegations is made from the facts on a case-by-case basis.

If you keep quiet about harassment, the employer might argue that the behaviour was not unwelcome at the time, or that you have fabricated the story after leaving the job. According to an Equal Opportunities Commission report in 2001, however, nearly half of all applicants bringing tribunal claims between 1998 and 2001 had not made formal complaints while still employed. The reasons given were fear of receiving poor references, fear of harming their careers, embarrassment and concern they would not be believed.

Prevention is the best tool to eliminate sexual harassment in the workplace. Employers are encouraged to take steps necessary to prevent sexual harassment from occurring. They should clearly communicate to employees that sexual harassment will not be tolerated. They can do so by establishing an effective complaint or grievance process and taking immediate and appropriate action when an employee complains.

Sexual harassment claims are founded on the Sex Discrimination Act, on the basis that the (female) victims were discriminated against because of their gender. Furthermore, if their employers decide not to investigate, and the harassed leave their jobs because they can no longer bear the harassment, then they could claim constructive unfair dismissal. This means the employer's action, or lack of action, caused them to hand in their notice, even though the women/girls were not directly asked to leave.

European Union agencies have recognized that reluctance to complain is a distinguishing characteristic of sexual harassment. Employment tribunals are increasingly acknowledging that workers may have good reasons for delaying their complaint, and they examine the individual circumstances of each case when making decisions.

What action should you take?

If you are experiencing sexual harassment in any or all of its forms, then there are steps you can take. First, you should make it clear that you find the behaviour inappropriate and unwelcome. When you do this, speak clearly and do not smile or apologise. If possible, confront your harasser in front of another person who you trust. You could also write to your harasser, if you find it too difficult to directly confront him or her, and you should keep a copy of the document.

If the behaviour continues, keep a diary of when and where it happened, what occurred, and who was there to witness it. Report the behaviour to your employer, who is then obliged by law to take action to investigate it and prevent it happening again. Take notes of any meetings with your employer about it. Many workplaces will have a specific procedure in place to deal with such complaints.

If other people are experiencing harassment, ask them to keep notes as well and to also make a complaint. If an employment agency organized your work placement, then tell them. If you are a member of a trade union, it is a good idea to let them know about the problems you are experiencing. If your health is suffering, then tell your doctor. In some cases the harassment may technically amount to assault or another criminal offence, in which case you should report it to the police. At a later stage, if the harassment continues, you may need to prove that you took every step to stop the behaviour.

There are many other categories of harassers, but there would be no space to name them all. If you spot one during the interview, don’t think that you can take the job and smugly assume ‘oh, I can handle him.’ Some men stop at nothing. But, I want to point out that I am always conservatively dressed during interviews, and in fact am a bit conservative by nature, so don’t get the impression at the end that perhaps I’m giving out the ‘wrong signals’… I don’t. Or rather, I didn’t.

Unfortunately, there exists no real law for defamation of name, slander, and all types of male abuse and harassment. If on the job or workforce, it’s often a matter of His word, against yours. Hardly any colleague would risk losing his or her job, to take your side! There is no protection for women, and less for relatively attractive women, nor legal punishment for the abusers and harassers.

We women live in a jungle here in Egypt …and that’s a fact. Sexual harassment at work is a subject not mentioned nor defined by any laws here. The ‘victims’ are too embarrassed to complain, and find it futile even if they do. The more attractive she is, the more she has to struggle to survive, and the more she has to prove that she’s not an object of abuse, let alone keep her name and justified honour intact. At the extreme end of sexual harassment, even raped victims prefer to remain quiet, rather than sue the harasser and keep the stigma of shame. Somehow, they are always the ones to be blamed in the end.



H.N.